I Was Waiting to Feel Confident Before I Started Living

I Was Waiting to Feel Confident Before I Started Living

Today I am writing this sitting in a coffee shop.

And the interesting thing is, I am not feeling particularly good today.

I am confused.

I am underconfident.

There is this uncomfortable feeling inside me that I know very well.

Normally, this is exactly the kind of day when I would prefer to stay within my familiar space.

Because somehow I had created this strange rule for myself:

I will go outside when I feel good.

When I feel confident.

When I feel energetic.

When I feel good about myself.

Then I will explore.

Then I will visit new places.

Then I will experience something different.

But today I realized something.

That day never really comes.

---

I Wanted to Explore, But I Kept Waiting

For a long time, I have wanted to explore more.

Not necessarily some big trip.

I haven't even properly explored my own city.

There are places around me where I have never been. Cafes I have never entered. Roads I have never taken. Experiences that are available right here, but somehow I keep living inside the same familiar boundaries.

At one point, I even made a strategy for myself:

Visit places where I have never visited before.

It was supposed to be part of breaking my comfort zone.

I liked the idea.

But I didn't really do it.

And now I think I understand why.

Whenever I didn't feel good, I didn't want to go outside.

I would think:

Not today.

I'm not feeling confident.

I'm confused.

I don't feel like dealing with people.

I'll do it when I'm feeling better.

And then something funny happened.

Whenever I actually did feel good, I didn't go either.

Because those were the days when I wanted to work.

If I'm feeling focused, why waste it?

Let's work.

Let's learn something.

Let's create something.

Let's do something productive.

So when I felt bad, I waited to feel good.

And when I felt good, I worked.

Exploration was always waiting for some imaginary perfect day in between.

That day never came.

---

Today I Went Anyway

Today was different.

I didn't suddenly become confident.

I didn't wake up transformed.

I didn't overcome all my insecurities before leaving.

I went while feeling them.

And maybe that is what I had misunderstood all this time.

I thought I needed confidence before I could put myself into unfamiliar situations.

But perhaps that was backwards.

Maybe I don't need to become confident first.

Maybe I need to become willing to risk feeling awkward.

Risk rejection.

Risk embarrassment.

Risk looking inexperienced.

Risk being somewhere alone.

Risk entering a place and not knowing exactly what to do.

Risk feeling like people are looking at me.

Risk saying something wrong.

Risk feeling humiliated sometimes.

Not because humiliation is good.

Not because disrespect should be accepted.

But because the possibility of these things cannot continue deciding where I go, what I try, whom I speak to, and how much of life I allow myself to experience.

That is different.

---

I Know What I'm Trying to Do

There is another part of this that I don't want to pretend isn't there.

I know sometimes I am trying to feel good.

I am trying to feel confident.

Maybe sometimes I am even trying to feel superior.

I can see that.

And I don't want to create some beautiful philosophical explanation to hide it.

But underneath all of that, there is something else.

I think I am trying to expand myself.

To experience things I haven't experienced.

To put myself into situations where I don't already know everything.

To discover places.

To discover people.

And maybe discover parts of myself that cannot appear while I'm sitting safely inside the same environment every day.

Because there is only so much you can learn about yourself inside environments you already know how to control.

---

Better Uncomfortable Than Trapped

I know this isn't always going to feel good.

In fact, sometimes after doing something outside my usual comfort zone, I feel almost sick.

I replay things.

Why did I say that?

Did I look stupid?

Did someone disrespect me?

What were they thinking about me?

That mental noise can become exhausting.

And perhaps that is one reason I avoided these situations in the first place.

But now I am starting to think:

Fine.

Let it be uncomfortable.

Let me feel awkward sometimes.

Let something not go perfectly.

Let me enter a place without knowing how everything works.

Let me look inexperienced.

Let me discover that I don't know something.

Because that still feels better than repeatedly choosing the same mediocrity just because it is familiar.

I don't mean doing stupid things just for the sake of saying I broke my comfort zone.

I don't want chhaparigiri disguised as courage.

There is a difference between expanding your life and behaving recklessly just to create an experience.

What I want is intentional discomfort.

Something that increases my range.

---

Yes, It Can Be Expensive

I also realized something practical.

Exploring costs money sometimes.

Going somewhere.

Trying something.

Traveling.

Eating somewhere new.

Attending an event.

Taking a workshop.

Entering environments I normally wouldn't enter.

It adds up.

And yes, some of the things I have tried recently have been a little expensive.

But strangely, I don't regret them.

Because I can see what I'm buying isn't always the thing itself.

Sometimes I am buying an experience.

Sometimes access.

Sometimes exposure.

Sometimes I'm discovering what I like.

Sometimes I'm discovering what I don't like.

Sometimes I'm simply proving to myself that I can enter a world that previously existed only in my imagination.

Of course, that doesn't mean spending irresponsibly.

Expensive doesn't automatically mean valuable.

There are probably hundreds of unfamiliar experiences around me that cost almost nothing.

But I think I need to stop treating every rupee spent on experiencing life as waste while automatically considering every hour spent “being productive” an investment.

Sometimes an experience is the investment.

---

Maybe This Is What Breaking the Comfort Zone Actually Means

I used to hear “get out of your comfort zone” and it always sounded like another motivational statement.

Do difficult things.

Push yourself.

Become fearless.

That isn't what I'm interested in anymore.

I don't want to become fearless.

I don't even know whether that is possible.

What I want is much simpler.

I want to stop requiring myself to feel good before I participate in life.

That's it.

If I'm confident, I can go.

If I'm underconfident, I can still go.

If I'm clear, I can go.

If I'm confused, I can still go.

If I know exactly what I'm doing, great.

If I don't, I can figure it out.

My internal state doesn't have to become a permission slip.

And strangely, I am writing all of this today while sitting in the exact kind of place where I previously might have thought:

I'll go there someday when I'm feeling better.

But I'm here.

Confused.

Underconfident.

Not completely comfortable.

And still here.

---

Maybe confidence isn't something I need before I enter the world.

Maybe some of it gets built because I entered anyway.

So I think I am going to take my old strategy seriously now.

Visit places I haven't visited.

Explore my own city.

Go somewhere alone.

Try unfamiliar things.

Enter unfamiliar environments.

Talk when I don't have the perfect words.

Allow myself to look inexperienced.

Not every day.

Not recklessly.

Not to prove that I'm better than anyone.

But regularly enough that my world doesn't keep shrinking around whatever makes me comfortable.

Because I don't want to spend another year waiting for the day when I finally feel ready enough to experience things.

I don't need to feel confident before I enter the world.

I can enter it confused, awkward, underconfident and unsure of myself.

Maybe the point isn't to become comfortable first.

Maybe the point is to stop letting discomfort decide where I am allowed to go.

— Hitesh Mandavi